My experience of learning Meditation - ‘Letting Go’
Our internal world is very much key to our wellbeing, just because some parts of us are not visible, this does not make them any less important to look at.
Following on from a previous post, what meditation means to me, how it can be used as a method for self-healing. I would like to share the first experience 'learning' meditation, and the valuable insight it gave me into the power it has, to shift internal, blocked energies.
I believe it was useful for me not to have over thought or spent hours researching and analysing meditation beforehand, as I did not then have overly high expectations of the outcome and of myself. But I had done enough research to know where I was going was safe and feel comfortable about it.
It is hard not to overthink things in the modern world we live in, where we,
· can jump online, and endlessly look stuff up.
· want to control everything.
· create endless to do lists.
I have experienced this, and it is exhausting!
Patience and kindness
The course was held by two teachers, over a weekend from Friday evening to Sunday, (it was local to me so I could go home in the evenings). There were three other people, two of which were repeating the course and two of us completely new to it. We were given instructions and insights along with time to practice meditation, starting with a few minutes and building up to 40 mins by the last day. What I learnt was that each experience is individual to you, and to the individual, it can feel totally different each time, it may not even feel like anything is even happening at first (or what you expect to happen) but that should not put anyone off, patience and kindness to yourself is a key part.
Inner journey - stepping on the roller coaster
The feeling I had after allowing my myself to take on an internal journey, was like stepping onto a rollercoaster. There were ups and downs, twists, and turns, with each time I stepped into the stillness, emotions would begin to surface, I simply allowed the process to happen (unlike a roller coaster it is best not to hold on tight!). I mentioned in a previous blog how CTS and Reiki had helped me in finding this space before.
My inner knowing had drawn me to this place, where I could be still, it wanted to heal a major traumatic experience, I had over a decade ago.
The emotions bubbled up, sadness, pain, sorrow, loss, grief, anger, love and more. I felt tears, and moments of great joy. In the final meditation session of the course, the experience changed again. A light emerged in my mind, so intensely, it was almost too much to endure, but I kept going, allowing this to happen internally without resistance, trusting in the process.
When I opened my eyes, overcoming my fear of speaking up, and trigged by something one of the teachers said, I felt compelled to share with the people present in the room my what I had experienced. I spoke out loud, of what was my darkest time, of the pain I felt of having to let go of my baby, who was stillborn on her due date. At this point, it felt as if my body and the whole room filled with the heaviest weight I could ever conceive of, pressing down, I was afraid that this energy would pull us all into the centre of the earth, it felt so real and intense, I wondered if the other people in the room felt this too.
But as I then began to speak of the love and compassion of other souls/ people who reached out and helped me, who bravely shared their stories of loss, their journeys (and there where many), and those who showed kindness in whatever way they could, this immense weight lifted and my whole being felt lighter. The weight of the trauma I had been carrying for so many years inside me shifted.
What was truly amazing was, that after a decade, my mind no longer replayed the involuntary story of the traumatic experience, of losing my baby, repeatedly. Yet I did not feel afraid that I had let go of any of the love I have for her either, which had been a fear of mine for years. As physically letting go of my baby had been the worst thing, I had not wanted to let go internally. But in the natural process I had allowed to happen, I was still able to be connected to my child, our hearts eternally connected with love and peace, at one with each other. I walked away from the room in a new state, it felt like a celebration, the world appeared brighter, clearer, happier, I was grateful to have chosen to allow myself this and it felt completely natural.
Health- body, mind, and spirit
Through reading I have learnt that what the mind thinks, so the body responds to as if it were real. If it is a stressful story that keeps repeating in the head, the body will act to defend the stress, but if it persists this is not a good state for the body to be in. I believe this can eventually be damaging to the body if it continues.
The experience, of loss and grief, has enabled me to grow. But it has taken time and work to come to this understanding, I have had to dig deep, look inward, to discover that out of pain and sadness, good can also come.
Working on mindset, connecting with nature, creativity, reading helpful literature, gentle exercise, writing/journaling have also been useful tools. People have commented and noticed a difference in me, how I look, for the better, it is interesting that this has been noted. It is the change I continue to work on from the inside.
I am grateful, blessed and honoured, that I have been given the chance to be a mother. My first daughter, Lyra would have been 13 years old now, I am also mother to a son 11years old and daughter 9years old, who bring so much love and joy in their unique ways, we all continue to learn from each other. Grateful to those who reached out family, friends and strangers and grateful to know that there is a way to heal.
I have recently been reading an adapted version of Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. It speaks to me and I find great comfort in the words, here a few quotes I am draw to and my interpretations below.
Book Seven – Marcus Aurelius- Meditations
‘Retire into yourself. The rational principle which rules has this nature, that it is content with itself when it does what is just, and so secures tranquillity.’
(Look inward, this is a natural thing to do, you will find peace here, as this is our natural state.)
‘Love only that which happens to you and what is spun with the thread of your destiny. For what is more suitable?’
(Do not judge what happens to you, it is part of your path, and has a reason beyond the initial feeling you have towards it)
‘And why are you not altogether intent upon the right way of making use of the things which happened to you for then you will use them well and they will be a material for you to work on.’
(Use what you have experienced to help others)
I want to inspire you to look inward, so you can find your truth, enable your own healing, and uncover a deeper level of your being.
Thank you for taking the time to read this,
Photo credit Astrid Blake
copyright Astrid Blake